


maybe your light is a seed (and the darkness the dirt)

by hearden



Series: Legacy of Power [12]
Category: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Power Rangers, Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, POV Second Person, PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 10:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11941869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearden/pseuds/hearden
Summary: A series of relationships and a journey of change from Kimberly's personal journal.(A companion oneshot to Legacy of Power.)





	maybe your light is a seed (and the darkness the dirt)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emilyrambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyrambles/gifts).



> me? writing that kimberly angst again because i love it? more likely than u think
> 
> loosely ties into legacy of power during/post-green ranger arc

**i. team**

When you are fourteen, you don't know any better as all fourteen-year-olds do.

But, in a way, you know more -- you know how to shoot a bow, how to take down someone twice your size (which is saying a lot) with nothing but your bare hands, how there is an entire world underneath and beyond Angel Grove.

You know that the Power Rangers are not aliens, like the rumors you and your team keep spreading and snicker about when you're alone, but rather a bunch of kids.

A bunch of kids who like to hang out at the Juice Bar or play basketball in the park or have picnics and listen to you strum away on your guitar.

_You are just a girl with the world on your shoulders._

Tommy kisses you for the first time, and you're tingling down to your toes.

This is it, you think, _this_ could be it.

_But, it isn't, so enjoy those songs and poems you write now because this is the best you will ever feel._

 

* * *

  

**ii. blue**

Some years before Aisha finds her family -- _this_ family -- again, you meet some kids from Briarwood at that year's Ranger Reunion.

They're magicians. Or wizards. Or… something.

You're not exactly sure about what they are, but the yellow one -- Chip -- has attracted a crowd with little tricks from his morpher that can… turn into a magic wand?

That's not quite fair, you think, because all you got was a clunky belt buckle and, technically, you really don't even have that anymore.

Believing in magic has never really been a thing you dwelled on too much. Somewhere between robot dinosaurs, a floating head in a tube, and witches in space dumpsters, you figure that it's _probable_ that magic exists, but you've never had a true brush with it, not in the way that this team has, with the whole "living in a magical forest" thing.

Their Blue is the quietest one -- she sinks into the background and watches her friends liven up the party from the sidelines, reminding you too much of other people, and you have to stop yourself for a moment because comparing Rangers never leads to anywhere good.

_She does, however, remind you of Trini._

You decide to give her some company and bring her a soda, which she takes with a small, soft smile that somehow breathes magic into the air.

"I'm Kimberly," you greet, offering your hand forward.

She grins wider and gently shakes your hand, nodding, "I know. Madison."

Of course she knows. Everyone knows. It's not the same as how everyone _knows_ Cassie or Ashley or TJ or Carlos, but in this ever-growing circle of secret family, it's somewhat similar.

"Vida's really excited to meet you," Madison teases, motioning at her sister who's in the corner of the room, having taken over Tanya's DJ table. Tanya, however, doesn't look upset at all.

Your eyes land on Vida's pink vest, and you quickly look away, your heart clenching.

"I'll let her have her fun right now," you say with a shrug, "There's always more time for introductions later."

There's a question on your mind, but Adam had whispered in passing to you earlier that it's best to not wonder. Still, you want to know where Madison's Red is. The answer, probably, must have something to do with how she hugs the wall with her presence and how she fidgets with a silver bracelet on her wrist.

Madison looks away from watching her sister and right at you, almost as if she knows exactly what you're thinking about. She tilts her head, frowning a bit, and you stand as still as you can, biting your lower lip in worry.

Can magicians _actually_ read minds?

You quickly think about watermelons or seagulls or _whatever_ to cover up your tracks.

Still, Madison examines you with her gaze, silently, and you realize that, no, magicians cannot read minds.

"You'll find her one day," Madison states in a gentle voice.

Your brow furrows in confusion.

"Who, Aisha?" That's one of the common topics every year -- if anyone's found out where in the world Aisha is. If there's any way to get in contact with her. If she remembers that she used to save the world.

It should be easier than it actually is for a bunch of superheroes, you think.

Madison ignores your question, though, and smiles at you, knowingly, like she's in on a secret you're not, which is looking more and more probable as the seconds tick by, "You'll find her, just like he'll find me."

Your cheeks heat up, and you rub your neck, staring down at the floor, caught red-handed. Ha. "Sorry, I was just curious," you say, "But, I wasn't gonna ask since it's, you know, sensitive--"

You look up to fully apologize to her, but she's gone, and when you look around, there's no trace of her blue vest anywhere in the crowd of colors.

 

-

 

When Aisha comes back many springs later and reunites with her team in the following fall, you can't leave her side during the entire party, which she doesn't mind at all. You kiss her cheek and ask yourself if you want it to be something more because she's been gone for so long or if you want it to be something more because you're afraid to lose her again.

_Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Maybe you just think you love her because you'd rather love someone else than yourself._

But, when you first hug her as she comes through the door of the Hartford Mansion and your arms are full of sunshine, you see Madison over her shoulder, hands in her pocket, shoulders hunched, blending into the background as usual.

Madison shakes her head, silently, and mouths two words at you.

_Not her._

 

* * *

  

**iii. green**

No amount of Adam exasperatedly telling you about his new (temporary) team through phone calls and texts can really prepare you for meeting them.

Of course, by this point, you already know Tori, Kira, and Xander.

"Yeah," Adam sighs, rubbing the bridge -- you snicker and he glares at you -- of his nose, "But Bridge is… well, different."

"We're _all_ different," you drawl in response, rolling your eyes, "It's what makes us normal."

A bright, swirling portal opens up in the middle of Andrew Hartford's living room, and Bridge Carson falls through, narrowly missing the new coffee table and landing splat on the floor.

"Not _this_ kind of different," Adam mutters, sounding very much like a tired father, and you envy him. Not exactly in the way that you want kids, but… you want _kids._ Although, you're not entirely sure you could handle one, much less four.

_In fact, you envy Adam for a lot of things, and having a team to take care of and lead is not the first._

Bridge is helped up by Rose, and he brushes off his grey jacket that's accented with green--

You nudge Adam in the side with your elbow and whisper, "You have two Greens on your team?"

Adam sighs for the fifth time in an hour and shakes his head before walking off to greet Bridge. "No, I don't," he says.

 

-

 

As it turns out, the Bridge on Adam's team and the Bridge at that year's Ranger Reunion are two different people -- or, well, they're from two different points in time, hence the wrong colors.

This Bridge can't explain why his future self -- "Does that make it my future _future_ self? Since I'm _already_ from the future?" -- couldn't make it to the party since he doesn't even know, but he does express a great degree of excitement about knowing that he'll one day, however far away that day may be, be a Red Ranger.

"Or," he muses, his hands moving animatedly, "Would it be that I _was_ a Red Ranger since my future _future_ self came back here--"

His ramblings stop making sense to you somewhere around there, and they only get worse when the Hartfords' butler, Spencer, appears from the kitchen with a stack of buttery toast.

Bridge exclaims something like, "Whoa! How'd you _know_?" and you distinctly hear Adam sigh even though he's across the room.

 

-

 

There's a treehouse that Mack and his friends have built in the backyard of the mansion, and that's where Bridge finds you as the night rolls on.

Your legs are dangling off the ledge, and you swing them back and forth, pretending not to notice him when the grass loudly crunches under his shoes as he approaches.

"You want some toast?" he calls out, and you can't help but chuckle a bit, finally glancing down at him. He's holding a plate of buttery toast yet again -- Adam _had_ told you about Bridge's favoritism, but still, it wasn't close to seeing the real thing -- and he waves at you with his free, gloved hand.

He wears gloves. Adam told you not to ask.

So, instead, you'd asked Adam and received a weary "If I left the room right now, would you follow me until I answered every question you have about Bridge?" -- to which your answer was a firm yes, accompanied with a cheeky smile.

"Uh," you look at the rope ladder that you'd retracted and dumped next to you to prevent anyone -- especially, maybe, Kat or Adam -- from coming up to try and drag you back down to the party, "You can throw me a slice."

Bridge frowns, deeply, "I have good aim, but I don't wanna miss and waste perfectly good food."

You raise an eyebrow at him, "Do you believe in the five-second rule in the future?"

"There's people who don't believe in it _now_ ," he counters, "How 'bout you toss me the ladder?"

"Only if you promise not to tell Adam that I'm out here."

He thinks about it for a moment then shrugs, "Yeah, sure."

You let the rope ladder dangle and watch, amused, as Bridge manages to -- with only a small amount of difficulty -- climb up and join you with only one hand while balancing his plate expertly in the other hand.

As he settles down next to you, you grab a slice of toast and munch on it.

"You know," Bridge says, chewing the corner of his own piece, "We learned about you in the Academy."

Something grows heavy in the air, and you wonder what he knows.

_You resist the urge to ask because good people do not want selfish things. Good people are humble and shy their eyes away from temptation._

Maybe he's heard about how one of the first monsters your team defeated was _solely_ by your hands because your friends were trapped in the stomach of the Terror Toad and that it was _your_ arrow that took it down in the end.

Or, maybe, he heard about the time you became evil and tried to kill the Turbo Rangers.

You wonder if the history books at the S.P.D. Academy talk about how you're still haunted by your choices and lack of.

"Aren't you supposed to _not_ tell us about the future?" you tease, keeping your voice light and casual, but your chest is caving in on itself.

Bridge shrugs, finishes off his toast in record time, and starts on another slice while you're still holding yours and thinking about what the people of Earth in 2025 know about you, "I mean, yeah, but, you know. It's cool, sometimes, to tell people that they didn't fade away into history or something."

_That is what you are, aren't you? A good person._

That night, you can't sleep because your thoughts are plagued by the desire to know what will become of Angel Grove's first Pink Ranger.

_Good people do not ask about their futures or dwell on their pasts because they love their presents._

It's a damn shame, then, that you're not a good person.

 

* * *

  

**iv. red**

Two Red Rangers come to the Ranger Reunion the year before the Armada hits.

You already know this because the buzz around the Samurai team is pretty loud.

The Sealing Symbol didn't work -- you have no clue in hell what it even is, but it didn't work, and the story that comes along with it later makes your stomach uneasily turn.

When the Shiba siblings come in through the door with their team -- well, Jayden's team, technically -- you're the first to hesitantly approach Lauren. Nobody touches her. Well, nobody except Jayden and Mia, so you politely keep your distance.

"Hey," you say, simply, and her eyes light up. She knows you.

As always, everyone does.

"I have your action figure," she blurts out then pauses, realizing how terribly awkward that sounds.

Jayden snickers beside her, and she elbows him.

It's a somewhat common occurrence, though, so you just chuckle and smile at her, eyes twinkling, "I have yours, too."

Perhaps she'd been too busy fighting off Xandred and his Nighloks to find out, but Lauren's eyes widen, and she shoots Jayden a confused look, gaping, "I-I have… _I_ have an action figure?"

"Yeah!" Jayden says, grinning and tilting his head, "I guess I thought you knew, but yeah, you do."

"A couple of the other Rangers here have yours as well," you add, your heart swelling when Lauren gasps and covers her mouth with her hands -- she looks like she might cry, "I personally wouldn't question how the retailers know, you know; it's always kinda weird how they can get our suit designs perfectly and everything, so we just don't complain."

"That's…" Lauren trails off, completely speechless.

Jayden leans down and says to her, softly, "We can go check out the stores tomorrow morning if you want."

Her grin could light up a city. "Yeah," she nods, and you think this is what healing from your failures would look like, "I'd like that."

_You decide that you envy her, too, and at this point, there's a long list of reasons why you're tainted and it starts with how you can't stop wishing you were in other people's shoes._

 

-

 

Jayden and Lauren aren't at the party at all the next day, and you think about messaging Lauren to check on her grand retailer adventure, but things and people throughout the day distract you until you completely forget to hit send and then it becomes a fabricated action in your memory.

It's only until she comes back with Jayden in tow around ten in the evening that you remember you forgot to text her, but by now, obviously, it's too late. You catch her closing the front door and offer a small frown at her empty hands, "You couldn't find it?"

It is only a few days before Black Friday, after all, so you aren't surprised. Still, you can't help but feel some disappointment and sadness on Lauren's behalf. It'd be a nice thing for her to have something to call her own, to get some kind of recognition, especially after the shit with Master Xandred, even if that recognition is from some toy manufacturer who somehow noticed that the Red Samurai Ranger suddenly had a skirt for a couple of days.

Lauren shrugs, her shoulders sagging, "We went to every Walmart, Toys R Us, Target, and all these generic toys stores, and there was nothing."

"However, we did find something cool at the last Target we went to -- Jayden, can you hand me the bag?" she continues, taking the grocery bag from her brother; from it, she pulls out a box, and through the little plastic window, you see the small four-inch frame of the Red Samurai Ranger in a _skirt_ \-- which, technically, isn't all that great in terms of how long you've been complaining about why the guys always get a nicer arsenal and all, but it's a special moment for Lauren, so you let it slide.

She grins, proudly, and Jayden slings an arm around his sister's shoulders. "You should've seen her," he comments, flashing her a teasing smile, "She was sobbing in the middle of the toy aisle. A grown woman-- _ow!_ "

 

-

 

You drop by the room Lauren's staying in with the other Samurai Rangers that night and find her sitting on the bed she's sharing with Mia, still staring at the tiny action figure in her hands.

Not wanting to disturb her thoughts, you lean against the doorframe, silently, arms crossed, and wait for her to acknowledge you first.

After a few minutes, she speaks up, "Does it ever change? This feeling?"

"Of what? Heart-stopping pride when you realize people look up to you? That you made a difference in this crap existence?" Your words are a little dry, but there isn't a hint of sarcasm in your voice at all.

Lauren glances at you and nods, slowly, "Yeah. That."

_It stopped years ago for you when you realized that people were idolizing a fraud._

"No, I guess not," you lie.

She shifts and swings her legs over the side of the bed, her bare feet touching the floor. You look into her curious green eyes. "When did you first feel it?" Lauren asks.

Everything blurs together, so you can't exactly remember the _very_ first time, but you remember an important time.

"My high school was putting a time capsule away to be opened in a hundred years," you say, fondly, but not quite smiling at the thought, "We were all asked to bring something to contribute, and my teacher put in a picture of the Power Rangers -- of, you know, us."

"The original five," Lauren murmurs, almost reverently.

It's weird to think of yourself as such since you know, now, that there have been samurai fighting battles before you were even born, but… sure.

You nod, "Yeah. I was sitting in the front of the classroom, and… it just kinda hit me then. How much a handful of kids meant to the entire world."

"We wouldn't be here without any of you guys, though."

Sure, you think, but your absence doesn't mean others wouldn't rise up.

"No," you shake your head, your chest tight, "Someone else would've still answered the call."

Lauren frowns at your words then looks down at her hands, putting them in her lap and fidgeting. She's uncomfortable, you can tell that much, but you don't know each other well enough -- she's Red, you're Pink, it's not quite the same. It's always easier connecting with the same color, and, beyond that, she's spent most of her life training.

_You've spent most of your life running._

Nothing in common at all.

"What d'you think will happen when that time capsule opens up in…" Lauren trails off, her nose scrunching as she tries to figure out the numbers in her head.

"2093," you offer.

It sounds so far away, and it is.

Your answer is a lie, too, that you give with a shrug, "Maybe the world won't need the Power Rangers in 2093 if we figure out how to achieve intergalactic peace before then."

_Maybe they'll forget you because you've already forgotten yourself._

 

* * *

  

**v. yellow**

The book arrives in the mail a few days before you expected to, which is an exhilarating and unexpected surprise.

You practically tear the envelope open and throw the mess on your kitchen counter. You'll clean it up later. Probably.

It feels real in your hands, the pages crisp and new, the paperback cover smooth to the touch.

In all of your years of living, this is what you consider to be your first and greatest accomplishment. Not that saving the entire world months ago didn't matter or that the old gymnastics medals hanging in your bedroom didn't matter.

But, they kinda don't.

This is something you did completely for you.

And the funny thing about living alone and existing on the outskirts of the Ranger family is that you now have nobody to _really_ tell. There is no Tommy to call up, no Trini to write a letter to, no Kat to wake up with excited shouting.

You pause for a moment then pick up your phone from the counter and call Emma.

 

-

 

It is, technically, possibly, a little bit immoral to use teleportation for non-world-saving purposes.

Zordon would scold you if he was alive.

_Life has made you cold enough to joke about death and not flinch._

You knock on the door of a small apartment in Blue Bay Harbor and wait.

The door swings open in record time, and Kira, dressed in black shorts and a lazy, light blue hoodie that you know isn't hers, raises an eyebrow at you. "Hey," she says, "Didn't know you were coming over." She glances down at her clothes, "I mean, I wouldn't have changed even if you'd warned me, but. Some notice would've been nice."

"Yeah, uh, I was… in town, and I wanted to drop by with some good news." You mentally cringe, knowing that sounds like a terrible lie and that Kira will see through it easily.

She snorts and steps back to let you in, "You're just dropping by, huh? What's your business in Blue Bay?"

"Visiting you," you flash her a teasing grin, and Kira rolls her eyes.

"You want a drink?" she asks, already walking to the kitchen, "I've got soda and juice. And, you know, water."

You follow her, shaking your head, "Nah, I'm good. Not gonna stay for long. I just wanted to show you something and then go."

Kira clutches a hand to her chest, faking offense, "What _is_ this? A platonic booty call?"

"Yeah, duh," you bite back then reach into your bag and pull out your book, holding it out to her. "The proof came in today," you declare, proudly, as you should be.

She snatches it right out of your hands and _bounces_ on the spot. Unfortunately, it's too quick of an action for you to record and send to Tori through Snapchat.

" _Holy_ shit, dude!" Kira glances over the cover -- not that there's much to look at since minimalism's all the craze now -- then flips the book over and reads aloud, " _Kimberly Hart_ is a single woman, living in Paris, who desperately wants a cat and a girlfriend--"

"That is _not_ what it says," you huff, rolling your eyes.

Neither of those things are exactly false, but what the back cover _actually_ says sounds a lot better than "lonely cat lady wants _another_ cat and a girlfriend but is too busy to get either."

Kira peers at you, "Have you shown this to anyone else?"

"Nope," you respond, popping the 'p', "You're the first. Feel honored."

"Wow. I mean, I do," she nods, tilting her head at you, "But, why me? Why not, you know, anyone else? Like Aisha or Dr. O or, uh, Kat? You know, one of your teammates?"

_They haven't been your teammates in years, and one super mega battle against the Armada isn't going to change that._

You shrug, not having a real answer for her, "I don't know. It just felt right."

Kira seems to be okay with that and opens the book to the first page then glances at you, "Have you read it and checked over everything yet?"

"No, uh, I haven't," you shake your head, chuckling at the surprise on her face, "I came here as soon as I got it in the mail. I wanted to show you first before everything else."

Kira nods to herself then takes your hand and drags you to the living room couch. "Well, then, come on," she says, "I have plenty of time to kill before Tori gets off of work, so why don't you and I… go through this together?"

You hesitate for a brief moment.

 _Maybe this is what healing from_ your _failures looks like._

"Yeah," you smile, warmly, and take a seat on the couch, pulling your legs up to your chest, "I'd like that."

 

* * *

  

 **vi. black**  

Jake is a strange kid. He reminds you a lot of Zack, Adam, and Carlos, but stands separately on his own.

_Comparing Rangers is never a good thing._

You've met him before, briefly, but you both were kinda busy fighting off Xborgs to really go through a full conversation with each other.

Later, at that year's Ranger Reunion, you talk to him while kicking a soccer ball back and forth in the Hartfords' backyard.

"Emma wouldn't shut up about you, you know," he says, grinning and rolling his eyes. He gets an easy goal past you because you stop to laugh, heartily.

"Yeah, I've heard," you flash him a smug grin and shrug, "What can I say? I'm pretty popular around here."

_You're more popular than you want to be. But, at the same time, not enough._

Yo go to retrieve the ball where it's rolled off next to a tree then toss it at him to start. "So," you start, slowly, "Giant alien invasion, planetary war… how do you feel?"

Jake frowns, passing the ball to you with a light kick, "I don't know. Is there some specific way I'm supposed to feel?"

"Uh, not necessarily, no, 'cause everyone reacts to it differently," you reply, biting back a personal response, "But, you know, I was just curious."

"Glad it's over, I guess," Jake answers then nods at you, "This wasn't the first time, right? Noah told me about that shit in 1998? Or '99? With the Astro Rangers."

"1999, yeah," you confirm and sigh, "Nope, it wasn't the first time." It never is.

"How'd you feel back then?"

Jake pauses to wait for your answer, and that's when you shoot the ball right between his feet, grinning triumphantly.

"I _let_ you score that," he huffs, but you know he didn't. He picks up the ball and gazes at you, still waiting, "You didn't answer my question."

When you answer, you avoid his eyes and look at the night sky instead. "I wanted to die," you state, plainly, like you're discussing the weather.

There's silence on Jake's part, and when you finally look back at him, he frowns and glances down at his shoes, scuffing his heel in the grass.

Too personal for two almost strangers.

_You've always liked letting your heart bleed out._

"How 'bout now?" Jake asks, softly. His eyes fall to the engagement ring on your finger, and instinctively, you touch it with your thumb. "How do you feel now?"

_You want to say you're doing better, but that would be a lie._

You take a deep breath.

Release it.

"I don't know."

 

* * *

 

**vii. pink**

You are back in Angel Grove, somehow, as you kinda knew you always would be.

_It's impossible to escape destiny._

Every ounce of your body screams at you to run, though, because _that was the best you would ever feel_ and _good people do not want selfish things._

You cannot help these children, and all you can do is stop before it gets worse. Before something bad happens, before someone gets hurt or, worse, you hurt the people you care about.

And that is the thing.

_Good people do not stop, not even in the face of danger._

They all got hurt by your mistakes again, like a broken record scratching in your mind.

_Good people do not abandon the ones they love._

You wake up with demons on your chest, and this morning feels like many other mornings you've had throughout your life. It's very tempting to just lay back down and pull the covers up to your chin. Pretend like they aren't your problem -- even though you _made_ them your responsibility. Against your best judgement, not that you've ever really had a best judgement in the first place.

_But good people shy their eyes away from temptation._

So, you do.

Forcing out a heavy, shaky breath, you untangle yourself from the sheets and stand, curling your toes against the cold, wooden floor.

_You may not be a good person, but you need to keep going._

The motions of brushing your teeth and taking a shower are weighty; you almost want to do something reckless with the hose of the showerhead but stop yourself.

_You've spent enough time in your life running._

_You cannot give up now._

After your shower, while a towel is still wrapped around your chest and there's steam dripping on the mirror and the air in the bathroom feels as fuzzy as your mind, you pick your phone up from the counter and pull up Madison's number.

Your blurry reflection stares back at you, waiting.

_[KO 7:52 AM] Hey. You remember how, all those years ago, you said I would find her?_

Madison's swift response makes your phone vibrate in your hands.

_[MR 7:52 AM] Yeah._

You must keep going because you have lived and survived, but someone else hasn't yet.

_[MR 7:53 AM] Did you?_

She is laying in the medbay, hurting because of you, broken because of you.

_You have to move forward and not look back. Learn from your mistakes and create new rights to drown out the consequences of your wrongs._

Your fingers hover, uncertainly, over the keyboard.

_Maybe, if not for yourself, then for her -- for another girl with the world on her shoulders._

**Author's Note:**

> title from Uneven Odds - Sleeping At Last
> 
> lowkey i chose all disney/neo-tzachor era rangers (and, of course, reboot kim bc it wouldn't be legacy w/o reboot ties) bc those are the only rangers that invented power rangers idk a saban era


End file.
